a home on the range

I believe I have a viable solution to the terrorism detainee issue. Since Guantánamo Bay is no longer an acceptable venue and no other country wants them, I have concluded that we should bring the detainees here - to El Paso. Well, to Fort Bliss at any rate. Why Fort Bliss? Well, there are several good reasons. Follow me on this.

I realize nobody really wants the detainees nearby, what with them being (alleged) terrorists and all, but they are still people and Fort Bliss makes perfect sense just on location alone. You see, Fort Bliss is in the high desert. This means the terrain and climate are similar to Iraq and Afghanistan and should help the detainees feel welcome and more at home. The second location related advantage is size. What most of you probably don't know is that Fort Bliss is at the tail end of the largest military reservation in the United States. Yup, that's right; the Fort Bliss part of that military reservation is bigger than the state of Rhode Island - something like 1 million acres of open high desert. That doesn't count White Sands Missile Range, Holloman Air Force Base or any of the myriad of smaller installations stretching from El Paso, Texas, up to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Let's just settle on saying it is really, Really, REALLY big.

While location alone is an excellent reason, when you consider the other advantages to housing the detainees (t)here, the move becomes a no-brainer.

First, Fort Bliss is home to the 978th Military Police Company. What more can you ask for? Built in guards with the training to do the job! Then there is the fact that the government is building a wall nearby. That's right, the border with Mexico is just a few miles away.

For facilities we can build what amounts to a village. Most of the world should view this as a most humane way to house the detainees. No prison walls, no cages, just regular Afghan style housing. Of course, we will need someplace to interview the detainees so I propose a "glass house" built in the middle of the village. Why glass? So that the dozens of human rights groups can watch the interviews! I suspect the ACLU, Human Rights Watch, the Center for American Progress, Amnesty International, Cage Prisoners, the United Nations, … and the ASPCA will all want to see all the interviews taking place and this would facilitate that supervision. No chance for torture there!

Now, we all know that it would be way too expensive to build a physical wall - a new prison as it were. It costs something like $425,500 per mile of standard 10-foot prison chain link fence topped by razor wire and that is when you are buying 2000 miles of it. Hardly worth the expense considering these enemy combatants will be abiding by the Geneva Convention. On the other hand, regardless of the cost of a virtual fence (know as an integrated surveillance system by those in the industry), when you are done with it you simply pick up the parts and take them away (Put them on the border with Mexico!). This truly minimizes the overall cost. As for effectiveness, proponents maintain the virtual fence is good enough to keep 95% of the illegal border crossers out, so it should be good enough to keep 95% of the captured enemy combatants in. The other 5% shouldn't be much of a problem. See, if we use the same system both to incarcerate the detainees and protect our southern border, (alleged) terrorists will have the same access to the U.S. whether they escape from Fort Bliss or come in from Mexico. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Obviously we aren't locking these people up and it would be silly to make them sit around all day doing nothing. No, these people are doers just like our middle class. Also, television and radio are out of the question since they don't believe there is anything good that comes from our culture. (Can't you just see them clustered around a radio listening to Rush Limbaugh or a TV watching Rachael Ray? No, that just doesn't fit.) So, I propose we use them and their village to train the troops headed overseas. Don't laugh! Right now we are using El Pasoans to play the role of villagers and these folks would be, well, more authentic. Come to think of it, it would be even more authentic if we gave them weapons. Hmmm .. yes, I like that idea. Fair play; the American way.

"..duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly.."

I must admit I am somewhat disappointed. Though I have waited patiently for the past few days, I have yet to hear from the government about my new green job. However, in the spirit of the day I have decided to "seize gladly" my duty to help the economy. I will lay out my plan and I hope that many of you, as Americans, will understand "that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world" and follow suit.

First, let me say that my investment portfolio has suffered the same fate as the stock market - down around 40% in the past year. That's a significant hit and it is all ex-President Bush's fault. That being said, I believe I still have enough to make a significant difference to this economy.

What I propose is the following:

1. Withdraw all of the money in my (now reduced) IRAs and 401K. The logic behind this move is indisputable. For one thing, though I am presently unemployed, I fully expect to be working for the government as soon as Congress approves the new bailout plan. (I can only imagine that is the reason I haven’t heard about my new government job just yet. No money honey!) In the meantime, I will have cash on hand to pay the bills and, more importantly, spend.
   
2. Pay the 10% penalty on the withdrawal amounts. Now we all know that, as a member of the middle class, we don’t pay enough taxes. If we did, we wouldn’t be in this pickle in the first place! Look at how robust the Federal Income was at the end of the Clinton presidency. I mean, we had a surplus!!! So, it is my responsibility – my duty to the nation – to pay more taxes. Since I don’t have a current income the only way I know how to accomplish this is to withdraw my retirement savings and pay the 10% penalty. Note: for those of you with a job, I suggest you not only withdraw all your retirement savings, but also ask your employer to double the amount of withholding from your paycheck. Next year, when you file your tax return, you can just tell the government to keep the extra as your contribution to the federal deficit. (I believe it is somewhere around $140K per individual right now. It should go up considerably by then. You owe!)
   
3. Now, as for the remaining money. I suggest you run out and buy a car. Remember, nothing foreign. We need to support Detroit and the unions. Our fellow Americans are depending upon us! Oh, and no trade-ins! If you don’t have room for the new car, then advertise the old one in your local paper. This is another critical step. Our newspapers are going broke due to lack of advertising so it is our patriotic duty to help them and the union employees who work there.
   
4. I bet you are still wondering why you can’t trade in your vehicle. Here is the deal: there are people out there who cannot get credit from the Big Banks. So, to get the credit market moving again, we are going to extend credit on all those who buy our used cars!!! Just think about it. It makes perfect sense. We can all take the part of a mini Freddie Mac – no credit check, no nothing. Trust. Trust in your fellow American. Hey, if you’re really lucky, you will be helping an undocumented immigrant get started.

Well, that’s it for now. I’m going to try really hard to think up some other ways we can help jump-start the economy. Remember, “..there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.”

the morning after

Okay, so here’s the thing…

I woke up this morning with joy in my heart and feeling all kinds of cheerful. I mean, the Anointed One {Hallelujah!!! Amen! (Insert choral music here.) Happy days are here again!} was sworn in yesterday and I just knew that, despite His {Hallelujah!!! Amen! (Insert choral music here.) Happy days are here again!} admonition to the contrary, all would be right with the world sometime around noon.

Sitting here, drinking my coffee, waiting for the phone to ring (I’ve had my resume out there for months now and I know I must be near the top of the call list.), I couldn’t help but be enthused by the image of the country working together (again? now?). Like oxen in yoke, my mind’s eye could see us pulling in the same direction under the watchful benevolence of our now harmonious government. Even those uninformed Republicans must see the light of a new day this morning. I bet they’ll compromise their positions and join in.

And there is so much to be done! So much neglect to undo. Windmills to build, an electrical grid to restructure, roads to asphalt (Oops, my mistake; I mean rubberize – or whatever they call it when you rip up old tires and cover a road with them.), bridges to repair, trees to plant, guns to confiscate and destroy and recycle into .. ummm .. bridges, rivers and lakes to clean and stock, a terrible dividing wall to tear down (and recycle into bridges) so our neighbors to the south can join us… The list is endless!

I wonder what kind of government job is being created for me. The idea of receiving a living wage; the promise of government healthcare; access to the Congressional retirement plan; they just make me want to be a productive member of this great experiment once again!

Everyone will have government healthcare and a living wage will be the standard from now on. (Hmmm... I’ll bet they stop calling it a living wage. I mean, why bother when everyone will be getting it – no need to differentiate! Yeah!!!) As for retirement, well, even if I find myself in the private sector there is always Social Security. At least President Obama {Hallelujah!!! Amen! (Insert choral music here.) Happy days are here again!} will see to it that Social Security doesn’t collapse like Madoff’s Ponzi scheme.

Oh, I can’t wait until noon!

and so it begins

I have, for quite some time, believed my voice was not needed; that it would be futile to add to the world wide cacophony that is the blogosphere. Today, however, as I watched President-elect Obama become President Obama and then listened to his speech, I realized I could no longer remain silent. Thus, with this post, I begin my journey into the realm of the blog. Please bear with me as I get my act together.

I hope, dear reader that you find what I have to say of interest. (For that matter, I hope somebody reads this! I hate talking to the shirts in my closet or, in this case, my monitor.) Whether I rant and rail, wax eloquent, search for humor or am just plain quixotic, I will try not to digress too far. On the other hand, expect a lively chase.

So thank you - for joining me here; for reading what I have to say; and for adding your two cents worth.